Struggle

It is interesting when one must struggle with anothers problem.

Tonight I was told by a good friend that he intends to end it with his girlfriend, who just happens to be another good friend of mine. Now I cannot say anything but I am concerned for both. Mainly because they have been together for over 2 years which means that a break up will envitably hurt both of them.

I dont know how much I can handle I dance on the knife-edge of sanity as it is. Even know as I type this I wonder as I hear doors slamming and an aura of anger if it has happened already or if that is an unrelated incident. I dont know who I am to care. But I do and that is one of my strengths and faults.

I cannot bear my friends in pain and I cannot bear to be in pain. These things will without a doubt cause me to fall into a eternal hole where pain cannot be avoided. I dont think I wish for this but I know that I would'nt wish for anything else. I believe that people's pain can be avoided and that if I must shoulder it then it shall be so for who am I to allow others to feel pain.

However even I know that I cannot always save people from pain and that I must accept that it will happen no matter what I can do to 'attempt' to avoid it. Screw it all. Pain is a way of humanity.

So it shall be.

...

I am alone....it is as such.

As much as I would seek to change it I cannot. I cannot escape the pull of the river that seems to be fate. It is too powerful it cannot be overcome regardless of the effort set against it. If you become stronger then it too by consequence will become stronger.

I know these are negative thoughts but sometimes, it seems inevitiable that we shall think this way because nothing goes the way that is sought by those who seek. I try to stand and face the problems I must and solve them, but so many of them cannot be solved by the efforts of one person.

I dont think I really care, I think im happy at what is and what shall be. More forcefully you try and change something mroore forcefully it will push back.

Stand

We all stand alone in life, there is an illusion that we may of people we can rely on but ultimately the only thoughts and actions one can be entirely sure of is your own.

We all need people but then no needs anybody. To be alone is to be insane but is to be surrounded by people sane?

Silence is golden but then so is noise, with noise we are comforted in the knowledge that we are not singular we are with people. We are within the multitude of lives that exist in this place. We do not have to rely purely on ourselves to exist, we can lean on another or many others in order to press on with what we see as a reasonable and logical goal.

Of course then becomes logic, and is it logical to follow our concept of logic or another concept of logic. Life is not as simple as logic. If you think something seems logical then glance again for I am sure you will see that the logic you see is really chaos give justification through a name...'logic'

Peace

I can imagine a place where I can stand alone, surrounded by nature and the only sounds that I would hear are leaves moving in the wind. The animals moving furtively around.

I see this and try to imagine a place where this is possible today. Everywhere we go seems to have been corrupted by the hands of man. Nothing is pure anymore. Even young children are corrupted at an increasingly younger age. We can't do anything. The saying that you can help is a lie. We can and even if there are many, always will we be in the minority. I just wish to find a place where I can lie down and close my eyes and hear nothing but my breathing, my heartbeat. And of course the sounds of nature. No other humans to tear holes in my thoughts, in my fragile reality.

Lost

A couple of nights ago, after I got home I lost all control of my emotions.

All I felt was some incredible , overwhelming sadness. And all I feel from it now is a deep sense of shame because I allowed one of my friends to see me in such a moment of weakness. I cannot bear letting others see the side of me that is weakened by such strong emotions. Even know a few days afterwards there is still effects on my emotions, I havent got them fully under control yet. It annoys me I till feel like shit. I feel like nothing better than dirt. I don't know why because I ahve no reason to think like this. My life is good, I have friends who are loyal and trustworthy, things are going well for me nothing is really going wrong and yet such weakness still emerges.

Validation

Living life has always required a certain amount of validation, be it from yourself or others who are around you.

I begin this blog entry, the first in a long time, because recently even though I am doing well, succeeding even, I am fearing that I lack something. Perhaps this is the validation of others around me. For we always seek to gain the approval of those around us often regardless of the actual approval. It is the way of humans to create obstacles that we can stumble on. Although the world often puts up obstacles that we may be hindered by. The only thing we can do is learn to get up when we fall flat on our face.

It feels that no matter what happens I am feeling the bitter tangs of failure. Of awful failure. It is painful to endure because I am partly in the mind that I know that I should be thinking as such. However it seems that that thought and awareness is not enough to actually progress me past the feelings that basically amount to me feeling like an invalid. I hate it. Because I know I'm doing well for myself. I recently found a job in the profession I am studying, and the basic needs of my life are present. I have no reason to feel like this. Perhaps this is why it makes the feelings so much worse. Awareness that I shouldnt be feeling like this. Curse it all.

Curse my very mind for not allowing me to enjoy fully such an obviously fruitful period in my life. It just won't allow me to forget my primal fears, fears of so much hurt, pain and failure to name but a few. It often leaves me wondering "how many others suffer from these primal fears?"

Is it something only a few think of, or does everyone secretly down in their hearts continue to think these things. A fear of not being accepted by ones peers or even by oneself. The worse as most likely seems obvious is the inability to accept oneself, because this leads to a state of self-loathing that can cripple a person mentally to such a degree to make the unable to do anything.

Physical scars heal often, they may leave a mark but think what would a mental scar look like. Some physical scars are often horrifying to behold, but I would honestly fear the outward, physcial appearance of a scar that has been etched into the mind. The mind is far to complex to ever know the depths of such a scar and its true nature.

Masquerade

We always enjoy the chance to attend a Masquerade Ball or something of a similar nature. The chance to hide behind a mask for the night is always a attraction. But it is amusing how we do not realise that life is one giant masquerade. We hide behind a invisible mask, whether it be to make someone to like us or to merely continue an exisitence that we have grown easy with.

I wish I could say I did live such a life, but it would be a lie, only a few people know me, and they are the ones that I have allowed to know me. So many people know me as a person who i truely am not. But it suits me to be that person for now. Parts of me shine through as always but the essense of me, of my soul is hidden behind veils of secrecy. I wish I could explain why I do such a thing, but I cant. I am comfortable with this self, and my true self. I think it allows me to more pick those who are trusted in my life. Those who I would do anything for. Travel to far reaches of the world in order to help them if they are in trouble. But my fear is always that they would not do the same for me. I fear standing alone with no one. I can imagine it all too clearly and I suppose thats what scares me even more. That I can see it as a clear path, when so many of the paths that I can walk through are shrouded in mystery. In a darkness that my eyes cannot penetrate no matter hard I might stare. The only paths I clearly see are the ones with me standing alone and with no one. It makes life interesting I suppose for I must talk the first step into a future that is unknown, one that I know nothing about and will learn as each second drifts by.